Remembering my Bittersweet…

Not more than a year ago it was impossible to think of a thought that wasn’t about you. Everywhere I went, your name, your image, your bittersweet perfume was following me, blurring out what was real for me to see.

I was aware of that and I knew it wasn’t going to work but I didn’t want to set myself free. I was actually afraid of becoming free from you. I was afraid that my natural realism will one day kick in again and I will move away from you.

I enjoyed my little prison as months and months past by. I enjoyed it because in your world, I could not see mine. I was able to forget about my problems, about the last images of my father dying and about my unbearable mother. There were days when going to school just to see you was the only thing I wanted to do in my life.

I remember the mornings when I was waking up with you in my mind. I still remember the nights when I dreamed about you and when I used to hope you will feel that.

I remember the hesitation and the nice chilling sensation that I used to have when the words “Alina is now online” were written on my screen.

I clearly remember that day in the informatics class when you first asked for my help and we finally chatted for the next two hours. I remember when I then realized that I was - in love.

I remember when I used to see myself in you and I remember when I realized we share the same musical taste.

I remember how nervous I was just before I was starting a new conversation with you and then how easy it was for me to talk to you. I remember our first evening chats online about just anything we could think of.

I remember when I started to learn Nothing Else Matters on guitar just because it was one of your favorite songs. I remember relating to the lyrics of that song.

I remember Google searching the lyrics you had on your status message to find out what they mean.

I remember when we both had “Bittersweet” avatars made by me.

I remember my long and exciting chats with Alex, Axy, and Ioa about you.

I still remember your sweet voice calling my name but now I cannot hear it anymore.

I remember that first day at the skating rink with our class. Sometimes, I can still feel your warm hand in mine when we skated together.

I remember when I used to think about you every time I was watching an episode of Prison Break or Lost. I knew that somewhere in the other part of the town, you were watching the same thing.

I remember when I used to go on Eliberarii just to walk past your place.

I remember when you said no and I remember when you tried to break me free. Sad...
After what you did next, I realized that what I was actually in love with was just an image, now polluted with the cold sense of reality.

Today, I couldn't love you again even I were to force myself. What I have is just an image which I remember...

You thought you can make me forget about you. You thought you can change my mind by hurting me. Too bad. You somehow got what you wanted but no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get out of my mind completely because nobody ever forgets the image of his/her first true love, especially when it came in such a difficult time.

And still, after how you treated me afterwards, after your hateful messages and after the attitude of indifference that you have now, I want to thank you from the bottom of my soul for helping me so much last year. Couldn't be much more from the heart.

I will never forget you. I never had. I am still on Route 51 right now. Next is number seven.